Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
