I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
