life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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