I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize