Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize