New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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