she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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