My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize