every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
