i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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