I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
