I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
