I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I enjoy the company of your penis
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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