i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
wow bdsm is so cute
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize