It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
