If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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