girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
