I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
