haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
