i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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