I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
