He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
