ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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