so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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