i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You are the jesus of drinking
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
