my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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