I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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