This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
