I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
