Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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