Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
