I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
