Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
