so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
