The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
