FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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