my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
