Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
