if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
