mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I need to calm my uterus...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
