This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
