not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
