it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
