I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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