oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
