I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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