It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
