My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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