she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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