Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
