He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
What drink are we having for lunch?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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