so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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