if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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