she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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