He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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