k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
