pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
